Ah! The good ole’ days.
I had tears in my eyes reading one titled “The One Way to Make Public Restrooms EVEN LESS Enjoyable.” And this one and this one. I’ve linked them here because you know, what parent doesn’t need a laugh? Seriously. We. Need. To. LAUGH….at ourselves, with ourselves and sometimes just so we don’t break out and cry.
Of course non-parents, like my pre-kid self here (God rest her soul) also deserve a good laugh.
Look at us, laughing with reckless abandon. We have absolutely NO IDEA what we’re getting ourselves into. “Oh happy day! The start of a beautiful new life with the one I love. Someday we’ll have kids and be just wonderful parents. Our lives won’t change very much at all! We’ll still be us, just with the added joy of kids!”
So naive…oh, we were so, so naive.
Like I said, you lovely non-parents really do deserve a good laugh. Truly you do. But let’s be honest, YOU can actually read something funny in 2 minutes flat, have a hearty laugh and move on.
For me (and I’m assuming like most of you parents out there) the typical scenario is more like:
Me: Start reading and laughing…
Ronin: “What’s so funny!?!”
Me: “I’m just reading something funny, don’t worry about it.”
Ellie: “What’s so funny?!? I want to see! I want to see too Mommy!” Flails hands in my face.
Me: “Really guys, you wouldn’t understand. Its just something funny.”
Ronin: “Read it to me! I want to see. I want to see.” Starts climbing on my lap, and then all 59 lbs. of him climbs over my shoulders. “I want to go on your shoulders!…Look at me, I’m tall!”
Ellie: “I need to go pee! Mommy, I need to pee!”
Me: “OK, go right ahead.”
Ellie: “I need somebody to go with me! I’m scared! Come with me. Come with me. Come with me. Come with me!”
Me: “OK! fine.” Take her to the bathroom, close the door. Go back to reading.
3.5 seconds later.
Ellie: “I’m done! Mommy, I’m done! MOMMMMMY! I’M DONE!
Me: “I heard you the first time. Hold on!” Go back to the bathroom. Wipe a poopy butt. Come back. “OK guys, I just want to read this for 2 minutes. TWO MINUTES. Please, all I need is 2 minutes of quiet. Can you do that?” Start reading.
1 second later.
Ronin: “I want to watch Ninjago!”
Ellie: “No, I want to watch My Little Pony!”
Both Children: “No! I want to watch! No, I want to watch! No, I want to watch!!!”
Ronin: “Look a squirrel!”
OK, so that two-minute something funny I wanted to read has now taken one half hour, one aching back, one poopy butt AND I haven’t even read it yet. I could of course go on to explain how 3 weeks later I freakin’ finally get to read whatever it was I was trying to read in the first place. Finally. Fun, fun stuff.
The sad thing is, I think this type of scenario can be similarly played out for just about anything one does with kids. Its like herding cats. No joke.
Leaving the house for example:
Its not a pre-kids 30-seconds-to-leave-the-house happy-go-lucky experience. Its more like 20-90 minutes of “Get your shoes on”…”I can’t find my shoes!”…”Yes, you can. Just look.”…Where’s your jacket?”…”I don’t need a jacket. I’m not cold.”…”You’ll be cold outside. Get your jacket.”…”Why are you wearing two different shoes!? Find the other one. You can’t wear two different shoes to school”…”I don’t know where it is!”…”Its where it always is, in the cubby.”…”No its not. I don’t see it. You find it.”…”Its right there, exactly where I said it was. Just pick it up.”…”NO YOU!”…”Mommy, are these on the right feet?”…”No.”…”Help me!? You do it!”…”AHHH!”…”Come on, we have to leave! Do you have your backpack? We’re gonna be late for the bus!”… and on and on and on and on and on.
But I digress.
So where was I? Oh, yeah the NickMom cartoons. Let’s recap. Midnight. Foot in face. Can’t sleep. Need a laugh.
So I’m laughing. You know the kind of laugh when you start reading “DamnYouAutoCorrect,” tears are streaming down your face and you can’t control the hysteria, but you’re trying hard not to laugh out loud because you’re at the office supposedly being productive.
So there I am, in my “office” with Ellie’s foot in my face. And I start sputtering, breathing heavy (no no, not sex) and trying not to totally crack up and do an actual LOL. If I wake her up, I’m going to lose it. Lose. It. I end up ever-so-gently moving her foot from my face and getting out of bed. I go downstairs and actually start laughing. Its so good to have a belly laugh once in a while. Not take things so seriously or let the stress and anxiety of parenting continue to whack me in the face (quite literally) without a laugh.
So I was inspired to come up with my own kind-of NickMom cartoon. I tried to think of the single most important thing I miss about my pre-kid life. My perky breasts, true, but no. Getting to watch actual adult movies (get your mind out of the gutter, I’m not talking porn, just non-animated TV). I do miss that but that’s not it.
How about a spontaneous weekend jaunt to Napa, and a leisurely dinner with wine and adult conversation….
…rather than eating one-handed holding a small person and her two dolls, with start and stop conversation about breasting and changing diapers.
That certainly WAS nice. But not my choice.
Drumroll, please … and the winner is!
Walking out of a hot relaxing shower, which I leisurely took in the bathroom ALONE, without hearing high pitched giggles and shouts of “I see your butt!” OR “tummy!” followed by my 6-year-old sticking his whole face into my stomach because he likes that its “Jiggly.” Gee thanks.
(P.S.A. To my son’s future bride, I think he has a tummy fetish. The good news is he likes it jiggly.)
Of course this choice could also include any activity done naked. Like peeing alone. Dropping the kids at the pool, so to speak. Or sex. To have sex without fear of a small person barging in! My pre-kid self (rest in peace) had no stinkin’ idea.
Like my cartoon?!? Can you relate?