Mother Freakin’ Funny: Inspired by NickMom

.

CB-sponsored-post-white-script-600
The other night around midnight I was attempting to sleep … I say attempting because  at the time there was a foot in my face … and no, that’s not a sexual reference. So anyway, a small person–Ellie–was scared, or whatever wakes her up eleventy-billion times a night, and she just HAD to come into our bed. I don’t know about you, but appendages on my noggin’ don’t really lull me to sleep. So I pulled out my trusty iPhone and surfed the web. I checked out NickMom.com and found these hysterical cartoons about life with kids vs. without kids.

Ah! The good ole’ days.

I had tears in my eyes reading one titled “The One Way to Make Public Restrooms EVEN LESS Enjoyable.” And this one and this one. I’ve linked them here because you know, what parent doesn’t need a laugh? Seriously. We. Need. To. LAUGH….at ourselves, with ourselves and sometimes just so we don’t break out and cry.

Of course non-parents, like my pre-kid self here (God rest her soul) also deserve a good laugh.

wedding laughs #motherfunny #shop

Look at us, laughing with reckless abandon. We have absolutely NO IDEA what we’re getting ourselves into. “Oh happy day! The start of a beautiful new life with the one I love. Someday we’ll have kids and be just wonderful parents. Our lives won’t change very much at all! We’ll still be us, just with the added joy of kids!” 

So naive…oh, we were so, so naive.

Like I said, you lovely non-parents really do deserve a good laugh. Truly you do. But let’s be honest, YOU can actually read something funny in 2 minutes flat, have a hearty laugh and move on.

For me (and I’m assuming like most of you parents out there) the typical scenario is more like:

Me: Start reading and laughing…

Ronin: “What’s so funny!?!”

Me: “I’m just reading something funny, don’t worry about it.” 

Ellie: “What’s so funny?!? I want to see! I want to see too Mommy!” Flails hands in my face.

Me: “Really guys, you wouldn’t understand. Its just something funny.”

Ronin: “Read it to me! I want to see. I want to see.” Starts climbing on my lap, and then all 59 lbs. of him climbs over my shoulders. “I want to go on your shoulders!…Look at me, I’m tall!”

#motherfunny Ronin
Me: “Get off, I’m trying to read this! You weigh a thousand pounds! I just want to read this for 2 seconds! Please get off, you’re hurting Mommy. 5, 4, 3, 2…1!” Yes, I got all the way to one and he still hasn’t jumped off. So I do the only thing I can do, stand up and unceremoniously throw him off of my shoulders and onto the couch. Then head back to read.

Ellie: “I need to go pee! Mommy, I need to pee!”

Me: “OK, go right ahead.”

Ellie: “I need somebody to go with me! I’m scared! Come with me. Come with me. Come with me. Come with me!”

Me: “OK! fine.” Take her to the bathroom, close the door. Go back to reading.

3.5 seconds later.

Ellie: “I’m done! Mommy, I’m done! MOMMMMMY! I’M DONE!

Me: “I heard you the first time. Hold on!” Go back to the bathroom. Wipe a poopy butt. Come back. “OK guys, I just want to read this for 2 minutes. TWO MINUTES. Please, all I need is 2 minutes of quiet. Can you do that?” Start reading.

1 second later.

Ronin: “I want to watch Ninjago!”

Ellie: “No, I want to watch My Little Pony!”

Both Children: “No! I want to watch! No, I want to watch! No, I want to watch!!!”

Ronin: “Look a squirrel!”

Me: “AHHHHHHH!”

OK, so that two-minute something funny I wanted to read has now taken one half hour, one aching back, one poopy butt AND I haven’t even read it yet. I could of course go on to explain how 3 weeks later I freakin’ finally get to read whatever it was I was trying to read in the first place. Finally. Fun, fun stuff.

The sad thing is, I think this type of scenario can be similarly played out for just about anything one does with kids. Its like herding cats. No joke.

Leaving the house for example:

Its not a pre-kids 30-seconds-to-leave-the-house happy-go-lucky experience. Its more like 20-90 minutes of “Get your shoes on”…”I can’t find my shoes!”…”Yes, you can. Just look.”…Where’s your jacket?”…”I don’t need a jacket. I’m not cold.”…”You’ll be cold outside. Get your jacket.”…”Why are you wearing two different shoes!? Find the other one. You can’t wear two different shoes to school”…”I don’t know where it is!”…”Its where it always is, in the cubby.”…”No its not. I don’t see it. You find it.”…”Its right there, exactly where I said it was. Just pick it up.”…”NO YOU!”…”Mommy, are these on the right feet?”…”No.”…”Help me!? You do it!”…”AHHH!”…”Come on, we have to leave! Do you have your backpack? We’re gonna be late for the bus!”… and on and on and on and on and on.

Sound familiar?

But I digress.

So where was I? Oh, yeah the NickMom cartoons. Let’s recap. Midnight. Foot in face. Can’t sleep. Need a laugh.

So I’m laughing. You know the kind of laugh when you start reading “DamnYouAutoCorrect,” tears are streaming down your face and you can’t control the hysteria, but you’re trying hard not to laugh out loud because you’re at the office supposedly being productive.

So there I am, in my “office” with Ellie’s foot in my face. And I start sputtering, breathing heavy (no no, not sex) and trying not to totally crack up and do an actual LOL. If I wake her up, I’m going to lose it. Lose. It. I end up ever-so-gently moving her foot from my face and getting out of bed. I go downstairs and actually start laughing. Its so good to have a belly laugh once in a while. Not take things so seriously or let the stress and anxiety of parenting continue to whack me in the face (quite literally) without a laugh.

So I was inspired to come up with my own kind-of NickMom cartoon. I tried to think of the single most important thing I miss about my pre-kid life. My perky breasts, true, but no. Getting to watch actual adult movies (get your mind out of the gutter, I’m not talking porn, just non-animated TV). I do miss that but that’s not it.

How about a spontaneous weekend jaunt to Napa, and a leisurely dinner with wine and adult conversation….

Pre Kids Dinner OUt #motherfunny #shop

…rather than eating one-handed holding a small person and her two dolls, with start and stop conversation about breasting and changing diapers.

post kids lunch out #motherfunny #shop

That certainly WAS nice. But not my choice.

Drumroll, please … and the winner is!

Walking out of a hot relaxing shower, which I leisurely took in the bathroom ALONE, without hearing high pitched giggles and shouts of “I see your butt!” OR “tummy!” followed by my 6-year-old sticking his whole face into my stomach because he likes that its “Jiggly.” Gee thanks.

(P.S.A. To my son’s future bride, I think he has a tummy fetish. The good news is he likes it jiggly.)

Of course this choice could also include any activity done naked. Like peeing alone. Dropping the kids at the pool, so to speak. Or sex. To have sex without fear of a small person barging in! My pre-kid self (rest in peace) had no stinkin’ idea.

#motherfunny cartoon1

Like my cartoon?!? Can you relate?

Like this Post? Subscribe to Email Updates

About Cristi Comes

Warrior Mom. Wife. Writer. Advocate for mental health, suicide prevention, self care, self image and style. Technology and social media lover. Board of Directors, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Washington State Chapter. Editorial Team Postpartum Progress.

Comments

  1. Great post! and yes, i’m sure all parent’s can relate! :)

  2. SQUIRREL!!

    Put it this way, LAST YEAR I had wicked food poisoning, so nearly every trip to the bathroom cues “Mommy’s Tummy hurts” from Sebby. And then when I come out “Mommy’s tummy is ALL BETTER.”

    Lucky me

  3. HA!! I love this post! Ooooohh….I can soooo relate!

    Serena
    Thrift Diving

  4. Great post! love the first pic :) I can relate now, and here I thought (pre-kid self) that working from home would be such a blessing so I could stay home with kiddos. NOT so much! Can’t actually get any work done with baby at home as she wants to sit on my lap and pull everything off my desk, and when she’s done doing that, find the off buttons to everything left! ahh parenthood!

  5. having a shower without company is such a rare delight these days. I totally relate
    Thanks for linking to the Sunday Parenting Party, I’m pinning this to our pinterest board

  6. Evidently, a foot in the face makes for great inspiration. This post is hilarious. And I love your chart. I see that my co-host of Sunday Parenting Party already got here and pinned your post to the SPP board. Damn! I wanted to! Oh well. I can still feature you over at my site this week…

  7. OH my gosh Cristi. Seriously. Your entire post. HILARIOUS, but SO true, and it’s only hilarious because it’s all happened to me before and I can just feel my face fuming when it happens to me. Having it happen to someone else is just fantastic. My favorite is that my two youngest always call me to wipe their butts, I walk in there, and they tell me they’re not done yet. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I decided I’d pretend I was coming but not actually show up until after they hit their second wind. Well, that backfired with a nice schmear of poop all over the wall, a turd in the sink, and urine all over the floor. It was awesome. So now I play a little game of cat and mouse-turd every time the babies take a poo. #client

    • Haha! Oh man, the sink!?! The walls!?! NOO!! I get the calls of “Mommy, I have poopy on my hand!” She won’t get off the toilet with poop THANK GOD. So glad you can relate Summer!

  8. Although child free I love reading these kind of stories and hope when you get down to writing them they make you laugh yourself =)

    It’s about enjoying every moment and I commend all you parents out there =)

  9. So much truth! If only I could tell my pre-kid self to enjoy these moments just a bit more.

  10. That pic of your son on your shoulders is exactly how I feel on a daily basis. Your post made me laugh. I can’t take a shower or bath without the kids coming in a poking their heads in. My daughter likes to grab my boobs and laugh.

  11. Whenever I laugh at something, I get 20 questions from my 4 year old and let’s face, most of the time I’m laughing at something that is not appropriate for her to see. I miss being able to burp without having to say excuse me…because sometimes, there really is no excuse. ;)

  12. I loved this! I especially loved the Nick cartoon in the car! I go to the gym on Saturday mornings and take my 4-year-old and 1-year-old because there is a playcare and my husband can then relax at home. W/O kids I’d be able to get up at 8:15 and make a 9:00 class. With kids? I get up at 7:45(ish) and generally make it onto a treadmill by about 10:20.
    Louise recently posted..Pumps, Customers and HolesMy Profile

  13. Oh my goodness! I can relate to all of this! I was laughing out loud!

  14. I so love this!!! I can relate to the entire post! Spot on!

  15. This is so funny and spot on!
    mel recently posted..Shop Your Way MAX- Free Shipping, Yes Please!My Profile

Trackbacks

  1. […] April: Mother Freakin’ Funny… Not running related but being a mom, this rang so true!! If you don’t laugh about it all, […]

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge